2017i

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2017 was a quick year, before I knew it the year was almost gone, but so much had happened in that year, with and without me knowing it.

January was a difficult month, I had a lot going on from being in therapy, leaving my job, struggling with work experience and my skin problems were at there worst.¬† There was some days I didn’t want to leave the house and I had suffered a lot more panic attacks, than I had ever had before, I just felt down and couldn’t see it getting any better for me.

Finally when February came around and I had completed my work experience for college I had one less worry, and that was a huge weight of my shoulders.¬† I just needed to get through therapy and get a job, oh and finish college and decide what to do with the rest of my life.¬† Well that`s what it felt like.¬†¬† It wasn’t until I started to focus more on my mental health and trying harder with CBT, that I realised how much my anxiety weighed me down. I had also decided to try to help my skin by cutting out dairy.

March was when I finally paid attention to the changes I had been making and even though it was difficult, and still wasn’t getting easier, would eventually help in the longer run (but that’s something I have only come to realise now). I was still down but more hopeful than I felt in January.

April meant there was only a few months left of college, I had due dates looming for reports and presentations.  Still no job but every day I was still trying to help my anxiety. I did notice a huge improvement in my skin after cutting dairy out my diet, which helped improve my mood.

May was the final full month of college after 3 years, which at one point I would never thought I could have ever done.  I had passed everything by the end of the month, finishing with an A and B.  There was also still no job and with that looming over me and having decided previously on in the year not to go to uni, I started to feel lost again, and any of the progress I had made at therapy and even on my own, felt like it was a massive step back.

June was probably the second most difficult month for me in this year after January, I couldn’t enjoy the fact I had finished and passed college, I didn’t have any money and most of the month looked like I wasn’t going to have a job. I felt lost and didn’t know what to do with myself, but some how managed to get out of bed every day and carry on.¬† eventualy by the end of the month I had heard back from a job I had applied to in January, with good news, went for an interview with Jacques Vert and got a call not long after to start¬†near the end of the month.

So the end of June and beginning of July started to become a better time for me, not only had I got a job but was working a lot of hours which suited me fine and I had a gig coming up with close friends, finally felt like I was living my life rather than watching from the side lines.  The biggest accomplishment of that month to me was how I felt more control over my life as well, even after feeling liked I failed most of the year, I started that job and went to TRNSMT without having a panic attack, I still had a light flicker of anxiety but nothing like before or even at the start of the year.

August went by quickly and was spent most of the month working between Perth and Dundee, and not doing a lot more than that as my pay had been docked the previous month, thanks to someone else`s mistake and I felt stupid for not noticing before.  All I did for this month was count down the days to September and work.  Looking back know I wish I could change that month so that I could spend more time with family, Because in September my nana passed away.

She had a massive role in my life, and was an incredible women, who we never got to spend enough time with in the end, but she will never be forgotten.

So September then also slipped passed, with loss and big changes.  I had decided to look for another job, as never felt appreciated where I was, with a realisation that I would eventually never go far either, but finding my next job was easy, like I was meant for it.  I went in applied, got a interview the next day and then the job instantly.

October was the end of one chapter and the start of another, and in-between that I had my first holiday in years.¬† Flew down to Essex the day after I finished Jacque Vert, went to¬†Colchester, Chelmsford, London, Heybridge Basin and Southend¬†when my dad came down to pick us up.¬†¬†It was a perfect week of doing lots and nothing at all, I didn’t have money worries,¬†I had a job, was feeling the calmest I had in years and I felt like everything was fitting in to place.

Starting my new job was kind of difficult because I wanted to do so well, but I had learnt so much from therapy, I didnt feel out of control.  I was happy.

November was a busy month, I was getting on great at work, I had two gigs coming up which for the first time I enjoyed without a panic attack, I was actually able to enjoy myself at Royal Blood and PVRIS.¬† I even had a birthday night out for a friend and didn’t have to get drunk to make it easier.

December was when I realised how far I had come in the year, I had a works night out, which was great, we danced and laughed.¬† Christmas was getting closer and I had already done all my shopping.¬† enjoyed a day at the Christmas market, and a really did enjoy myself rather than spend the night before and the day panicking over nothing. On Christmas day I didn’t cry or feel separated from the festivities.¬† my brother and I went to the cinema which was the first time I think that year I did and saw star wars, then¬†my friends and I rang the new year in with gin and lots of laughing, the greatest way to start the year.

My final month of the year was the complete opposite from the start, I could finally enjoy moments in my life and feel present, I know I’m stronger and at the same time lighter.

2018 can only, I hope get better for me physically and mentally, as I have decided to do a 30 day yoga challenge and after that try and do yoga every day.

I aim to read more, be more creative and experience as much as possible, while still look after myself.

So, here`s to 2018 and all that’s to come, and¬†the past and all it has taught me.

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